There's a lot of power in words. I write down everything - quotations, snippets of text, verses, lyrics. My notes app is full of fragmented sentences, sometimes attributing the source, most of the time just letting the words be their own.
When I was younger I was drawn to lyrics. I couldn't write them on my own, nor could I compose music, but I loved the ability of a song to capture the emotions I was experiencing. Often times, other people's words have an ability to describe something about myself that I was unable to before hearing them say it out loud.
Worship music seems to do this effortlessly. There is something about acknowledging our Creator, the one who knit together our mess of emotion and personality, that brings us face to face with ourselves.
Steffany Gretzinger has an album, "The Undoing", that I find myself only listening to in certain seasons and certain moments. The words are too rich to be played without much attention being paid. When I first heard it I was drawn immediately to the rawness of her words. I wondered what it would feel like to be able to write that, what God must be doing in her life to give her those emotions.
I don't know that I wanted it for myself, but maybe it was something I needed. Because when you listen to that album, you can't help but wonder about the brokenness and pain that gave way to the haunting and beautiful music she created in response. You can't help but wonder how greatly God must have moved, in the wake of something unpleasant. You can't help but wonder if maybe God moving was the hard thing... it is called "The Undoing", after all.
So while I was content to listen to her experience of the same God, I wasn't about to ask for the same thing. My ability to describe my relationship with Him might not be as honest and raw as hers, but my experience of God was also safe and neat and comfortable. The level of intimacy and vulnerability that she described was not something I knew for myself, and I was not about to dive into what that would look like.
I love relationships. I love people. I love pouring my heart out in a public setting like this site. But intimacy and vulnerability are not my strong suit. With other people, and with my Creator.
And He wasn't surprised by that truth, nor was He going to let me stay there.
Just like we don't get the details of the story behind Gretzinger's album, I don't know that details of God's movement in my life over the past few weeks would make any difference. That testimony isn't finished yet. But what I want to leave here are someone else's words, a total stranger, who sang to me about the place I am finding myself now, long before I ever knew I would be here. A place of deeper intimacy and raw vulnerability... a place that wasn't so scary once you just let go.
You've brought me to the end of myself
This has been the longest road
Just when my hallelujah was tired
You gave me a new song
I'm letting go
Falling into You
I confess I still get scared sometimes
But perfect love comes rushing in
And all the lies screamed inside go silent
The moment You begin
I'm letting go
Falling into You
You remind me
Of things forgotten
You unwind me
Until I'm totally undone
And with Your arms around me
Fear was no match for Your love
Now You've won me
And if I lived a thousand lifetimes
And wrote a song for every day
Still there would be no way to say
How You have loved me
Oh, how You love me
And that's how You've won me
Letting Go, Steffany Gretzinger