I’m afraid to talk to God. There. . . I finally admitted it.
I can put my trust in God, his promises and his love. I am not afraid of what is to come in my day or really in the future, but it is only because I trust him.
However, I am afraid to talk to him. Everyone in a Christ-centered relationship has told me how important it is to talk to God. You cannot develop a relationship without devoting an amount of time to getting to know, understand and share with another person. The same is true with God.
I know that. Yet, it is still so hard for me to do it.
I used to tell myself I did not have time for a one-on-one with God. I was too busy with school, work, sleep or really any other commitment I could squeeze into my schedule. When I did have free time I would watch Netflix or work out or anything besides prayer or worship. God always put the thought into my mind though. It was the Holy Spirit saying, “Hey, I am still here, what’s up with you?”
I always chose to not answer the question.
But now I have come to a place in my life where I have a lot of free time even after work and other commitments. I see my bible sitting my desk and I am still afraid to open it. I feel terrible writing this and finally admitting it, but I did not want to talk to God.
Not because of anything going wrong in my life, or placing blame. It was nothing like that.
I realized that I am afraid to talk to God because I am afraid of how it is going to change me.
It is written in 1 Samuel 10:6,
“The Spirit of the Lord will come upon you in power, and you will prophesy with them; and you will be changed into a different person.”
This was said to King Saul at the beginning of his reign. The Holy Spirit was at work in him in the beginning of his rise to power, and allowed him to do good before his pride took over.
So what do I have to fear? Why does a deeper relationship with God frighten me? I do not have the pride of Saul or a nation that I must lead.
I fear that God is going to change my perspective; the way I look at the world and my dreams.
I fear that the way I live now may not be the way I choose to live when I am 100% invested in my relationship with him.
I pride myself on not fearing change because I am willing to move and take risks, but I am falling to pride just like Saul did during his reign. I am afraid to talk to God because of the change I know will occur.
I thought I had completely changed when I emerged from the water after being baptized, but now I understand that is not the case. Until I am willing to face my fear of change, I will never be able to talk to God the way I want to. Because a relationship with God does change the way you THINK and ACT and LOVE. The change that occurs will affect EVERY aspect of my life.
To be honest, I am still a little afraid as I sit here and openly write this confession to God. Am I ready to change every aspect of my life?
I did not know the answer when I first started writing this. Now I know. I know that open confession is the first step of the conversation with God that I now seek to continue.