I am most in awe of God’s faithfulness in the seasons where He continues to be faithful even when I am not.
This season has been full of transitions.
Transitioning out of college and into graduate school and a full time job.
Transitioning from being with the person I thought I was going to marry to being single.
Transitioning from the comforts of my home in the west to a new city in the south.
Before I entered this season, I spent the beginning of the year reading through the Old Testament. I started with Genesis and worked my way chronologically through the Bible (it's going to be a long year - we're halfway done and I haven't even made it to the New Testament). When I look back on my journals and notes from those devotions I see the constant theme: He is a good, good Father.
What I didn't know then was He was preparing me with promises of who He is - promises I would rest on, cling to, and repeat to myself over and over again in this season now. What I didn't know then was I would pray for miracles in the months to come, and when those prayers were left unanswered, I would remember that God had already been faithful to me in what He had shown me and would continue to teach me.
I am most in awe of God’s faithfulness in the seasons where He continues to be faithful even when I am not. As I leave behind this season I can see every moment where I thought I was being faithful: waking up to spend time in His Word; participating in community groups and volunteering at church; surrendering my circumstances to Him in prayer; moving halfway across the country to a graduate program I felt called to participate in. On paper, it looked as if my actions reflected an incredibly strong faith in my Creator. If you talked to my friends they would probably tell you the same thing.
But if you looked at my heart over this past season you would see time and time again I proved unfaithful. I doubted, I didn’t trust Him, I questioned His goodness, I tried to manipulate situations to give me the outcomes I wanted instead of waiting on His timing. Faithfulness, I am learning, has nothing to do with my efforts, and everything to do with who I trust God to be.
I thought this season of heartache and unanswered prayers would end when I moved to Nashville. I thought moving would signify a closure on the hurt and disappointment I so desperately wanted to forget in Albuquerque. When that didn’t happen, when things didn’t change just because my address did, I grew frustrated and weary with maintaining a faith in my Heavenly Father.
Yet He showed up, ever faithful. He showed up and didn’t answer any of my prayers in the way I wanted Him to. No, instead, He showed up with Himself. With His goodness, the same goodness He had prepared me to know all those months ago. He showed up with more strength to keep waiting, keep hoping, keep having faith. He showed up and reminded me of who He was and the frustration dissipated. You see, faith is not something we can conjure up by ourselves. We need our Heavenly Father to breathe life into our weary hearts as we choose to believe He is who He said He is.
Our God is faithful to give us what we need. He is faithful to not just answer our prayers, and I believe that He will answer everything that feels unfulfilled, but to reveal to us Himself. His nature, His character, His promises. All of my needs are fulfilled in Him, and He was faithful to continue to show me that this season, even when I was too stubborn and angry to see it the first few times. He never gave up on me.